My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
