Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
