well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
