dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.