I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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