shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i jhust puked up my retainher.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
