the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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