Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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