My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
