Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
