you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
