We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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