Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
