did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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