Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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