Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
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Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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