I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
