they need to just BURY HIM!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
