I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
