i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
