I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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