I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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