On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
