i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
