my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
