totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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