We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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