I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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