Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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