She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
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