We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
