I just threw up on my dentist
please come you make the beer taste better
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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