I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
