Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
