I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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