Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
