i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
