u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
