I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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