I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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