I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I will be naked everywhere
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
