she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
