i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize