my vag is so smooth its legendary
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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