just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
