Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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