Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
