Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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