We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
