You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
