Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
