i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
