I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh god it's open bar.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
