I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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