I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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