Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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