you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
