I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.