My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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